“A lot of people tell me I’ve got an addiction to brake fluid, truth is I can stop at any time.”

“What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.”

“Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.”

“What does a robot do during a one night stand? He Nuts and Bolts”

“Doctor, will I be ok?” “I don’t know, Mercury is in Uranus right now” “I don’t do astronomy doc” “Me neither, my thermometer just broke”

“Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.”

“Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? De brie was everywhere.”

1/2 So a grandpa takes his grandson out fishing, the grandpa pulls out a smoke and lights it. The kid asks “hey grandpa can i have one?” And he says “does your dick touch your ass?” And the kid says “well no” and grandpa says “theres your answer, youre too young”. Then grandpa pulls out some whiskey and takes a few pulls off the bottle. Kid asks “hey could i have a drink of that grandpa?” And grandpa says “does your dick touch your ass?” “Well.. no it doesnt” says the kid. Grandpa says “well theres your answer”.

2/2 “So the kid pulls out some cookies and starts snacking away on them and grandpa says “gee kiddo those cookies look pretty good, could i have one?” So the kid says “does your dick touch your ass?” And grandpa says “why yes it does!” And the kid says “good! you can go fuck yourself then!”

“I was in the office today and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her after work. I turned her down. I don’t really like high maintenance women.”

“Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a naked man runs by… One of the nuns had a stroke, the other couldn’t reach…”

“A man goes to a funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the front and says “Plethora” and sits back down. The widow leans over and whispers “Thanks, that means a lot.”

“How is 69 and being in the mafia alike? One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.”

“Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “I wish I could do that.” The other replies, “… well maybe just try petting him first.”

“A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo. He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it’s right in front of a mechanic in town. He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he’s going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat. Walking back to his car, the mechanic tells the penguin “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin laughs: “Oh, no” he said, as he wiped his mouth “It’s just ice cream.”

“People are shocked when they find out what a terrible electrician I am.”